A sailor walks into a bar...

[Borchester]

He has a huge red, yellow and green parrot on his shoulder and a midget in tow.

He goes up to the bar and orders a bag of nuts for the parrot and drinks for himself, the midget, and everyone else in the pub who wants one. The barman is sceptical but the sailor pulls out a wallet stuffed with cash and pays him twice over telling him to keep the change. The midget, for no good reason, calls the barman a C@@@ and goes to sit by himself with his drink.

As the night wears on, the sailor buys more and more rounds with big wadges of cash and the midget, who is annoyingly drunk, works his way around the pub insulting people as he goes. Luckily all the free booze is enough to stop anyone from hitting him.

As closing time approaches, the barman, by now very curious, says to the sailor, "there's got to be a story here what with the cash, that bird and the short-arse T@@@, what gives?"

Well, says the sailor, I was once shipwrecked in the Arabian Sea and was lucky enough to swim ashore on a small island. As I crawled, exhausted, up the beach my hand landed on a metal object. I dusted it off and saw that it was an old lamp which I then rubbed with my wet sleeve to get a better look. Next, poof, a genie appeared and said, "I am the genie of the lamp and will grant you three wishes!"

First, I wished for infinite wealth and got this wallet which is always full of cash no matter how much I spend.

Then, I wished for a coloured bird and a three foot prick and got these two.