Funeral plans and such

[johnofgwent]

I have often humorously laughed about - as I am laying there in my coffin at the place of funeral - how I would like the Pink Floyd song - Wish You Were Here - played. Then at the moment when the flames light up and my coffin rolls towards them, I would want the Prodigy song - Twisted Fire Starter - played. If I were actually to insist upon that no doubt some would find it shocking and upsetting which is why I wouldn't. But it is my sense of humour down to a T, and there are a few amongst my nearest and dearest who would recognise my humour from beyond the grave and would probably take some measure of comfort from that. However, I genuinely would not want to risk upsetting anyone.

Well, I get the "I don't want to cause offence" but we'll, how can I put this. Go for it. It's your funeral ....

[srb7677]

I have often humorously laughed about - as I am laying there in my coffin at the place of funeral - how I would like the Pink Floyd song - Wish You Were Here - played. Then at the moment when the flames light up and my coffin rolls towards them, I would want the Prodigy song - Twisted Fire Starter - played. If I were actually to insist upon that no doubt some would find it shocking and upsetting which is why I wouldn't. But it is my sense of humour down to a T, and there are a few amongst my nearest and dearest who would recognise my humour from beyond the grave and would probably take some measure of comfort from that. However, I genuinely would not want to risk upsetting anyone. 

[Borchester]

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There is a marvellous Monty Python sketch where the family want the most economical funeral possible.

So they eat the corpse.

Afterwards some of the mourners say well, maybe some traditional elements should be retrained, so they did a grave and throw up in it.

I like the idea but some of my family are really fussy eaters

[srb7677]

On a personal level I do not care what the hell happens to my dead carcass when I am gone. I believe my soul will have already departed to some kind of afterlife. But neither do I want my death to be a burden on others, so for that reason I have in place sufficient life insurance to cover reasonable funeral costs and pay off my debts. These funeral arrangements matter only insofar as they bring any comfort to those who loved me. A decent send off is for their benefit and I would not wish to deny them that. Insofar as it has any significance at all - and it is purely sentimental - I have opted for cremation. This is because when it comes to your mortal remains, the options as to where they can be deposited are more limited with a burial. Whereas ashes can be thrown anywhere. I have asked for mine to be released onto the field overlooking Trevone beach in Cornwall, which is associated with many happy memories, both for me and crucially  - the whole point - for some of those who remember me.

[cromwell]

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😁😁😁👍

[johnofgwent]

You will be interested then, in my new business venture which operates in the low cost funeral market
dumpeminaditch.com is the last word in low cost no frills funerals. We offer a very discreet cash only service with no inconvenient forms to fill out or contracts to sign....

Sounds lovely.

The residents of Blaina thought I was the operator of burnmeinanXr3.com after a bloke who openly boasted he wasn't going to pay me the one and a half grand he owed me was found burned alive in the back of one such vehicle. 

He owed a drug baron thirty odd grand. Apparently.

[Sampanviking]

I don't intend to die. I mean, the medics have invented viagra, so eternal life can't be far off. But then again, the world is running around like a blue bummed fly over a few coughs and sneezes, so you can never really rely on the quacks. So I have been giving a bit of thought to getting rid of myself on the cheap.

Ideally I would like to cremated on my allotment on top of a pile of wooden pallets and the prunings from the fruit trees and with all the cottontops from the local old folks home gathered round and supping my home brewed cider. The latter tastes like vinegar but so do most of the oldies, so it would be a good match. Then the ashes could be scattered around the fruit trees, which would be the closest I would get to eternal life. The trouble is that what with all the fruit and nut trees there is barely standing room for the King of Spain's daughter let alone a decent burn up, so that probably won't fly.

The Tibetans have a practice whereby the corpse is chopped up and fed to the wildlife. I like the idea and know a chap who could probably do the job at a decent price, but the local foxes are really fussy about their food, while the crows and rats are game enough, but slow eaters. My poor wife would still be putting out plates of me come the Rapture.

So, although as I have probably said before, half of me does not work and the rest is going off, I am donating my body to medical research. God knows what use it will be and I don't like the idea of ending up in the fridge of a medical school where the only thing that will save me from death by the pneumonia will be the fact that I am dead already. But it will be free and you can't say fairer than that.

Anyone else got any ideas?

You will be interested then, in my new business venture which operates in the low cost funeral market
dumpeminaditch.com is the last word in low cost no frills funerals. We offer a very discreet cash only service with no inconvenient forms to fill out or contracts to sign....

[johnofgwent]

I am sure you are expecting some funny replies but I'm afraid I'm really boring and know exactly where I shall end up. In the double plot with my late husband in the local cemetery. It looks over hills so is quite nice and I have spent quite some time there over the years since he took up residence.

It will serve him right that I will be on top, since he had the nerve to leave me on my own for such a long time! 

Ok all joking aside

My father in law planned EVERYTHING even writing the order of service down to the last detail of who would light candles etc. 

The most important bit was that he was to be put in the ground with an absolute minimum of ceremony the week BEFORE the funeral service as in his own words funerals are miserable things when the coffin is brought in and he wanted to be gone before his started

He had bought two plots in the cemetery when his wife went of stomach cancer caused by eating radioactive lamb created from Chernobyl fallout, and I know the details because back then I had the means to check, she was radioactive as hell

Frankly Toots and being deadly serious it is more important to have made a plan no matter how trifling or unimaginative as it avoids all the crap we had with Uncle Tom. 

He was the guy I have mentioned on here who went to North Africa to fight Rommel with a medical bag after refusing to pick up a rifle. 

What he did pick up, on the battlefield after the shooting and shelling was done, he dragged drag back to what rudimentary hospital facilities were available, and the local Legion knew it and wanted to honour him for it. Grandma who knew his pacifist tendencies and what happenned to most like him was a bit pissed off....

 In truth that wasn't the huge problem for me.

There were much bigger ones.

The journals in my possession detailing his years in India after he sailed through the Suez canal with his RAMC colleagues and became the last hospital personnel to leave India post partition caused me to think far more.

It was clear he immersed himself in the local culture and teachings of the local guru (and immersed bits of himself deeply in the local cult's handmaidens) with gusto, to the degree I was less than certain a Christian burial was remotely appropriate.

[T00ts]

Blimey Toots, that is heartbreaking. God bless the her good soul

She was very special. Not a big talent or one to 'shine' in front of anyone but obviously had a depth to her character which was humbling. A beautiful soul.

[Borchester]

Many years ago I had a pupil who I taught from when she was about 3. At 11 she looked 'different' and somehow lacked energy. I mentioned it a couple of times to her parents who were really lovely and as we were rehearsing a show at the time and the little girl wanted badly to be involved, her parents delayed the visit to the doctor. Soon after the show she was diagnosed with leukemia and she died shortly afterwards. It was heartbreaking but her parents were so proud of the way she dealt with it. It seemed she was the strength while they fell apart. She was an only much wanted child but she laid out all the plans for her funeral including a wicker coffin filled with flowers and an unmarked grave in a field - I think somewhere in Wales - where sheep grazed. She knew how she wanted the Church service to go with balloons that we all released afterwards and although it was incredibly sad it was also joyous in her memory. She really left her mark.

Blimey Toots, that is heartbreaking. God bless the her good soul

[Borchester]

LOL cheery crowd down at the old folk's home. Was the short stay meaningful and full of varied experience Borchester or did you sell out cheaply for a few shekels?

I would do anything for a few shekels, but the local oldies are cheap bastards and don't even offer that

[Sheepy]

LOL cheery crowd down at the old folk's home. Was the short stay meaningful and full of varied experience Borchester or did you sell out cheaply for a few shekels?

[T00ts]

Many years ago I had a pupil who I taught from when she was about 3. At 11 she looked 'different' and somehow lacked energy. I mentioned it a couple of times to her parents who were really lovely and as we were rehearsing a show at the time and the little girl wanted badly to be involved, her parents delayed the visit to the doctor. Soon after the show she was diagnosed with leukemia and she died shortly afterwards. It was heartbreaking but her parents were so proud of the way she dealt with it. It seemed she was the strength while they fell apart. She was an only much wanted child but she laid out all the plans for her funeral including a wicker coffin filled with flowers and an unmarked grave in a field - I think somewhere in Wales - where sheep grazed. She knew how she wanted the Church service to go with balloons that we all released afterwards and although it was incredibly sad it was also joyous in her memory. She really left her mark.

[cromwell]

Council tip would be fine by me.

[johnofgwent]

https://m.imdb.com/title/tt11286314/

And

https://solarsystem.nasa.gov/asteroids-comets-and-meteors/asteroids/apophis/in-depth/

And

https://youtu.be/frAEmhqdLFs