Bruce was dying...

[Barry]

You can't beat Chinese Doctors

When Lotsov gets back from exile, he'll agree with this.  

[Thomas]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow'.



The next day the 85-year-old man re-appeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees,but still nothing'.



The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open'.

[Thomas]

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."

Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"

Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

You can't beat Chinese Doctors

[Thomas]

So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we're having a baby.

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For instance my name, address and telephone number! ::

[Thomas]

And Sheila sat at the bedside.



He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess before I die."





"There's no need to, " she said gently



 "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I have been a terrible husband. I've slept with your sister, your best friend, her  best friend and your mother!"





"I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison do its work."

A little five year old girl was usually driven to school in the mornings by her Grandad, but one day he had a bad cold so her Grandmother took her. That night the little girl told her parents that the ride to school with Granny was very different. What made it different? asked her parents. Well, she replied, Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind numpty, foreign prick or w****r on the whole journey

[Thomas]

Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin

to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful

announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has

been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has

happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we

received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and

inconvenience."  



When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,

"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else

can eat, will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."



Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry,

we still have 40 dinners available."

[Thomas]

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" and he came running in.



"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said.



"S'truth, Sheila!" Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get me mate Cobber."



They came back and they both tried to pull her up from the floor.



"No way, we can't do it!" Cobber said, "So let's try Plan B."



"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce, "What's that?"



"I'll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her." replied Cobber.



"Spot on." Bruce said, "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples."



"Play with her nipples?" Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!"



"No..." Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are a lot cheaper!!!"

[Borchester]

And Sheila sat at the bedside.



He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess before I die."





"There's no need to, " she said gently



 "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I have been a terrible husband. I've slept with your sister, your best friend, her  best friend and your mother!"





"I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison do its work."