Funeral plans and such

[johnofgwent]

I'm not donating myself to science as I'm buggered if I'm giving my former drinking buddies sons and daughters that much of a laugh.

I have demanded I be out on a Viking longship and set on fire on the Usk. Several of those drinking buddies asked do they need to wait till I'm dead.

In reality - my daughter is going to sing the first sing at my cremation - meatloafs "life is a lemon and I want my money back" - and my granddaughter is going to do the last one when they pull the curtains n round, steinman's "out of the frying pan and into the fire"

Then you can spread me on the rose garden. Dad's on there already.

[T00ts]

I am sure you are expecting some funny replies but I'm afraid I'm really boring and know exactly where I shall end up. In the double plot with my late husband in the local cemetery. It looks over hills so is quite nice and I have spent quite some time there over the years since he took up residence.

It will serve him right that I will be on top, since he had the nerve to leave me on my own for such a long time! 

[Borchester]

I don't intend to die. I mean, the medics have invented viagra, so eternal life can't be far off. But then again, the world is running around like a blue bummed fly over a few coughs and sneezes, so you can never really rely on the quacks. So I have been giving a bit of thought to getting rid of myself on the cheap.

Ideally I would like to cremated on my allotment on top of a pile of wooden pallets and the prunings from the fruit trees and with all the cottontops from the local old folks home gathered round and supping my home brewed cider. The latter tastes like vinegar but so do most of the oldies, so it would be a good match. Then the ashes could be scattered around the fruit trees, which would be the closest I would get to eternal life. The trouble is that what with all the fruit and nut trees there is barely standing room for the King of Spain's daughter let alone a decent burn up, so that probably won't fly.

The Tibetans have a practice whereby the corpse is chopped up and fed to the wildlife. I like the idea and know a chap who could probably do the job at a decent price, but the local foxes are really fussy about their food, while the crows and rats are game enough, but slow eaters. My poor wife would still be putting out plates of me come the Rapture.

So, although as I have probably said before, half of me does not work and the rest is going off, I am donating my body to medical research. God knows what use it will be and I don't like the idea of ending up in the fridge of a medical school where the only thing that will save me from death by the pneumonia will be the fact that I am dead already. But it will be free and you can't say fairer than that.

Anyone else got any ideas?