You have to laugh

[Borchester]

:hattip

The plot thickens....



In light of coronavirus , teacher in glasgow asks her class to use the word contagious.

Archie, the class swot, gets up and says, 'Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious.'

'Well done Archie,' says the teacher. 'Can anyone else try?'

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says, 'My Gran says there's a bug  called coronavirus going round and it's contagious.'

'Well done, Katie,' says the teacher. 'Anyone else?'

Wee jimmy jumps up and says, 'Oor next door neighbor is painting his house with a 4 cm brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious"

[Scott777]

Glasgow airport has been shut for the past 8 hours due to a "suspicious car". Apparently it had tax,insurance and the C.D player was still in it.

 ::

[Thomas]

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.



Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."



About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."



So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother,

I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle.

But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."



Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:

"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie.

But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.



Love,



Mum."



Lesson of the day... Don't Lie To Your Mother.

[Thomas]

Glasgow airport has been shut for the past 8 hours due to a "suspicious car". Apparently it had tax,insurance and the C.D player was still in it.

[DeppityDawg]

The plot thickens....



In light of coronavirus , teacher in glasgow asks her class to use the word contagious.

Archie, the class swot, gets up and says, 'Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious.'

'Well done Archie,' says the teacher. 'Can anyone else try?'

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says, 'My Gran says there's a bug  called coronavirus going round and it's contagious.'

'Well done, Katie,' says the teacher. 'Anyone else?'

Wee jimmy jumps up and says, 'Oor next door neighbor is painting his house with a 4 cm brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious"

 ::

[Thomas]

Pity we lost the thanks button.....it's a plot I tells ya ...  ::

The plot thickens....



In light of coronavirus , teacher in glasgow asks her class to use the word contagious.

Archie, the class swot, gets up and says, 'Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious.'

'Well done Archie,' says the teacher. 'Can anyone else try?'

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says, 'My Gran says there's a bug  called coronavirus going round and it's contagious.'

'Well done, Katie,' says the teacher. 'Anyone else?'

Wee jimmy jumps up and says, 'Oor next door neighbor is painting his house with a 4 cm brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious"

[Thomas]

Just heard there's going to be a public round of applause for delivery drivers.

It's scheduled to be between 13:30 and 18:00.  :hattip

[Barry]

Just heard there's going to be a public round of applause for delivery drivers.

It's scheduled to be between 13:30 and 18:00.  :hattip

[Borchester]

Late in the night, wee jimy finally regained consciousness.

He was in the hospital, in terrible pain .

He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his nose, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him. He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble a reply,

"Can I feel your breasts then?"





.....and that, my friend, is A POSITIVE ATTITUDE

     

[Borchester]

SLEEPING WAE MICK



The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.



They said, "Man, what happened to you?   He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."



The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.



They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'   He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."



The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the ass, and kissed him good night on the lips. Mick sat up and watched me all night."



With age comes wisdom.

   

[Borchester]

Auld people have problems that you haven't even considered yet.



An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow'.



The next day the 85-year-old man re-appeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees,but still nothing'.



The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open'.

 

[Thomas]

Late in the night, wee jimy finally regained consciousness.

He was in the hospital, in terrible pain .

He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his nose, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him. He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble a reply,

"Can I feel your breasts then?"





.....and that, my friend, is A POSITIVE ATTITUDE

[Thomas]

SLEEPING WAE MICK



The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.



They said, "Man, what happened to you?   He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."



The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.



They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'   He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."



The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the ass, and kissed him good night on the lips. Mick sat up and watched me all night."



With age comes wisdom.

[Thomas]

Auld people have problems that you haven't even considered yet.



An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow'.



The next day the 85-year-old man re-appeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees,but still nothing'.



The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open'.

[Thomas]

another auld yin....





Dear sir,

 On behalf of Channel Four may I thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show. Also the charming photograph you enclosed. Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected, I would point out that the correct title of the series is actually "Fact Hunt". Kind regards Channel Four. ::